With Or Without You
by cheskie
Summary: 1963. He was growing impatient, while he was still harboring doubts. Their summer is already nearing its closure, but both men must come to terms on how to maintain their now matured relationship.


The inky-colored sky turned a little light as the sunlight peeked from behind the mountains, the clouds turning into a still-dark shade of blue as the day broke. The morning today seemed promising after the treacherous hailstorm last night, the chunks of ice already melting away slowly on the ground and on the small river. The only sounds heard were the gushing of river water and a small gust of cold wind tickled the pine trees, its leaves rustling along with the said interference.

Jack Twist inhaled the last of his cigarette, let out a few puffs of smoke, and threw it away blindly, his boots shuffling on the haphazardly-made wooden bridge over the river beneath him. Unmindful of the cold, he was shirtless, wearing nothing but his jeans and his cowboy hat. He buried his hands deep in his pockets, staring impatiently on the rising sun.

His blue eyes shifted to where the main camp was set, to the tent where he left his partner, Ennis Del Mar, sleeping soundly. He was supposed to go back up the mountains yesterday afternoon, since he offered to take Jack's shift to guard the thousandfold sheep, but the pellets of ice that fell like rain did him otherwise. Ennis ended up spending the night there, and of course, one thing led to another once more.

_Ennis_, Jack thought with a small smile, staring at the tent longingly.

He was still pretty tired, having about four good rounds last night, and a fresh wave of crimson tinged his pale face anew as he reminisced the night before. He sighed as he looked down at the little bruises Ennis left here and there, and felt a sudden tingle as he put a hand on a fresh bruise on his neck, the sweet spot where Ennis suckled on continuously. They didn't care about the damn storm hitting the tent violently.

For some reason, the sex always felt good, and every night for the two of them was a new experience, both of them still harboring the same emotional excitement they felt from way back in their first night together. The first night was too fast, too hurried, and also, consider the fact that they were only both cold and drunk. Not that Jack was complaining about it.

But when the second night came, and the third, and the fourth…sex turned into something more into an exploration, each of them taking their time memorizing each other's bodies. The kisses were not that tentative anymore, but now turned into a ferocity that was rough, fierce, and genuinely possessive, yet still impossibly gentle at the same time. And whenever they reach the heaven which was the point of no return, Jack savored every minute of it, taking in the thought where everything just felt so right.

The smile disappeared on his face as his gaze went back to the sun. _I wonder how long this'll last._

It _was_ a summer job, after all, and the deal was they both finish the job at the given time period. Jack had already readied himself for that possibility of ending his time together with Ennis, but it was Aguirre that made him uneasy. The man's visits were becoming more regular, and strangely, he only appears after Ennis left for the sheep. All he ever does was to either check up on both of them or to talk to Jack about was the same thing—about a relative of Jack nearing his death. Jack always replied the same thing—that he was up here in Brokeback Mountain and that he couldn't do anything about it.

Just like yesterday, for example. Annoyed, he was about to tell him off, until he saw the glint in the older man's eyes. A glint saying that _he knew_.

_Well, fuck Aguirre. I don't care if he knows, _he thought, feeling annoyed again.

He decided on that anyway. He was a man, and he has freedom to do what he wanted to do with his damn life. But the thought of Ennis finding out was what has been bugging him since yesterday.

Jack had known all his life that there is kind of a rift in his sexuality. Sure he loved women, but he couldn't resist the impulsive tendencies of looking at other men as well. He looked—but never tried to make a move, and convinced himself that he will just be straight nonetheless. Ennis was his actual first. He assumed Ennis was the same, that he did it out of curiosity, or it was nothing but a mere sexual frustration and Jack was the unfortunate one that Ennis let it all out on.

He wondered if this affair was really nothing more than a one-shot deal for this summer only, never to be mentioned once they get down from the mountain and be separated to go back to their normal lives.

_Separation_. Jack felt dejected at the thought. He thought that this was nothing more but a no-strings-attached kind of a relationship, but now that the end was nearing, he already found himself thinking that he couldn't bear himself to be torn apart from Ennis, the soft-spoken man that he had come to know as the only real friend that he never had. Because, in the midst of those amorous nights, Jack had already fallen for Ennis. Hard.

It was difficult for Jack to feel these kinds of emotions surging inside him, and no matter what the outcome was, he'll say it with full courage to Ennis. Yesterday while guarding the sheep, he was pondering for several hours, and finally, had prepared himself a speech specially made for his partner. While they were inside the tent during the hailstorm, they were simply chatting about whatever came to their minds, and after that came a ringing silence. Out of impulse, Jack thought this was the right moment to do it, but when he opened his mouth to talk, Ennis had suddenly crushed his mouth to Jack with such passion that he had forgotten what to say or how to speak at all.

That was when he realized that he'll never get the chance to tell Ennis what he really felt, and also, if telling what he felt to the man will cause him to go back into his cold, hard bitter shell and push him away, he'd rather keep all of this to himself, even though he is slowly growing impatient.

Because despite of everything else, Jack wanted more of Ennis. And maybe, just maybe, he'll finally get to own the man someday. And despite the confusion he felt for the feelings he had for him, there's only one thing he knew that was true.

_You've stolen my heart without permission, Ennis Del Mar._

……

Stirring in his bedroll, Ennis Del Mar rubbed his brown eyes and forced them open, revealing the darkness inside the tent. Yawning widely, he raised an eyebrow at the absence of Jack beside him, only seeing the shirt and the jacket his partner had left behind. Usually it was Ennis who woke up early, but it was _too_ early, and the thought of Jack waking up at this hour seemed too odd for him to consider.

_Fuckin' rodeo cowboy, _Ennis thought, feeling a little irritated and a little worried at the same time. _Wonder where he's gone off to._

Shivering under the covers, he reached for his own shirt, putting it on and buttoned it up blindly, then tried to get his jeans on while still lying down. Feeling the cold wetness of the ground beneath him, he cursed under his breath as he shoved his bare feet into his boots, then dragged himself out of the tent, only to be met with the sight of the dark sky turning a little light for the morning to come. Ruffling his light hair with his hand, his eyes searched around for the dark-haired man.

Finally, he found Jack standing with his back turned on the wooden bridge over the river a few meters from the camp, his cowboy hat donned head down and without a shirt on. Ennis strained his eyes a little, seeing Jack's hand touching a spot on his own neck, a spot where Ennis had remembered he feasted on after the night that they had.

_Well, what d'you know…_

Amused, he walked quietly to the bridge, careful not to make any unnecessary sounds with his feet. The wood creaked slightly but was soon drowned out by the lapping of river water with the rocks. He sauntered more quietly behind Jack, then wrapped a shirt-clad arm around his shoulders from behind, pulling the man a little against his body. Jack didn't seem surprised.

"You're up early, cowboy," Ennis whispered, letting his lips graze slightly in the other man's ear.

"Took you long enough," Jack told him listlessly.

"What're you doin' out here, standin' in the blisterin' cold without a shirt on? I thought you were jackin' off."

"Trust me, you done enough of that," Jack replied, his own hand laying itself in Ennis's arm. "I'm just waitin' for the sun to rise…"

"And?"

Jack opened his mouth, paused, then let his head down again. "I dunno. Just thinkin' of some stuff."

"Hm," Ennis just replied, letting his mind wander as well.

Jack ran a free hand through the arm that held him securely, his fingernails making small scratching noises on the cloth, while Ennis let his thumb on his shoulder blade, tracing little circles and running his fingers on the muscle on Jack's upper arm. Ennis rested his chin on the pale skin where Jack's shoulder met his neck, loving the warm sensation it gave him. He suddenly recalled their passionate rendezvous the night before, where Jack's mouth had made a wet trail from his lips to his jawbone and to his knuckles, kissing the tender skin there softly…and looking at the hand that held his arm now, he remembered that same hand traveling everywhere in Ennis's body, from his hair, cheeks, necks, chest, and further down, eliciting a shuddering groan from the light-haired man.

Ennis swallowed hard, feeling the pool of arousal burning low in his stomach and the sudden tightness of his jeans, making him shift in his position so that Jack wouldn't feel Ennis's bulging desire from behind. He tried thinking of something else to make it go away, but once again, he felt the sudden urge to pull Jack back to the tent to ravage his being once more.

But, looking from Jack's profile even from behind, Ennis had already sensed something wrong, and based on his partner's listless replies, he didn't seem to have the mood for this very moment. For now. Ennis thought it was because of Aguirre's frequent visits, as Jack has said, where his partner was complaining around that the old man didn't give him enough trust to do his job successfully, treat them both unfairly, and also, not giving them enough privacy to do their sexual escapades. But Ennis sensed it was something different. He just couldn't figure out what.

Ennis frowned, when Jack made no whining or remark to whatever he said whatsoever. He has been so used to his loud and lively outspoken nature, and that it was the only reason that it had gotten him to talk a little himself. It was Jack, of all people, that made him feel comfortable in his own skin for the first time, and he had to thank him for that. So for Jack to shut himself down like this worried him.

"You been pretty quiet, cowboy," Ennis told him, keeping his voice from lacing with concern. "Anythin' wrong?"

Jack was silent for a few seconds, then took a deep breath and finally went on. "I was just rememberin' the talk we had a few weeks back, you know, bout the thing that happened between us, sayin' that it'll be just a one-shot thing between the two of us…"

Ennis cringed. He remembered that very day, sitting next to Jack, feeling too ashamed to even look him in the eye. He felt stupid saying that. One-shot deal or not, the intensity of their first night is something not to be fanned away easily in flames, and they both knew that.

"What else d'you want me to tell you?" he asked nervously, not liking the way this conversation was heading.

Jack seemed startled by the question, but he didn't show it as he looked at Ennis from the corner of his eye. "Why _did_ you come back in the tent again, Ennis?"

He knew that would come and bite him in the ass. As serious as Jack looked right now, Ennis knew that trying to wangle his way out of this situation is far too impossible. So he just settled for the truth.

"Y'know, that first night we had, you were tryin' to kiss me but I didn't let you," Ennis stammered. "I came back because… I guess I just wanted t'know what it felt like."

"And what did it feel like?"

_Wonderful. Amazing. Marvelous. Perfect. _Those were the words Ennis wanted to throw at Jack at the very instant. Before going back in that tent that very night, he regretted thinking about kissing a man, that it was a sick thing to do or think about. But, thinking about it more, they were already _way_ beyond that already, and after trying to push away the thoughts of taboos in his head, he gave in again to the irresistible force that was Jack Twist. From the moment his eyes held the dark-haired beauty before him, and from the very moment that those beautiful lips of his had touched his cold thin ones, Ennis knew. That kiss changed everything between them.

"Diff'rent," Ennis only answered, opting for a safe answer. There was no way he'd give himself away that easily. He expected Jack to make another one of his sarcastic quips, but instead, his blue eyes faced the sky again, lost in his own thoughts once more.

Ennis just held Jack closer to him, unable to say anything more. It was pretty difficult whenever Jack gets this way. It makes it harder for him to fight back…and harder for him to feel weaker than ever. He was already weak after meeting him for the first time. Only Jack had this kind of power over him, and Ennis had finally found it useless to deny it any longer.

It was too stupid to think about it, but it felt like love at first sight. Ennis immediately felt a connection with Jack the moment their eyes met outside Aguirre's trailer. After he felt that sudden jolt, he found it hard to look at Jack ever since. Jack went on anyway obliviously, rambled about his life and his other stories as if he didn't care about Ennis shutting his ardor. That was what he loved about Jack. His carefree, relaxed personality was what had loosened Ennis up, making him laugh for the first time at his silly rodeo jokes, and finally, had melted the icy veneer that Ennis had constructed his whole life.

_Love? _Ennis thought, stopping at his own thoughts with a snort.

What was love, anyway? He always said to Alma how much he loved her, but after everything that had happened, the word seemed meaningless now. Alma didn't have the ability to go under his skin as fast as Jack did. And it really confused him to the point where he was facing the dilemma: to marry or not to marry the girl. Sure, Alma had nothing to do with this, but even if Ennis would tell, she wouldn't understand. Nobody would.

And of course, the fact that they were still pretty much children themselves. He was only nineteen, Jack was nineteen, and both of them are too young to even know that.

He thought that he was like any other normal man, that he would eventually settle down, get married, and have kids of his own. But being with Jack things were flip flopped. Now, the idea of being like any other normal man seemed so mundane now. He reflected on the days where there were too many times that Jack leaned back on the logs as he looked up at him with a smile and eyes that made his chest send tingling messages to his limbs. A few times he leaned into Ennis while telling him a story or an observation he had made in the past and his body against his started an electric domino effect that only stopped when he sat up again. And Ennis knew that he is whipped.

And that was how Ennis was falling; the emotional was coming first for a change, hiding itself in with the physical just to trick him into allowing his feelings to blossom more. As Jack pressed his hand against his arm, their bodies resting against one another, if the moment were to ever stop Ennis wasn't sure how he would make sense of everything.

"We can't rush ourselves, Jack," he finally blurted out.

Jack turned his face to look at him, his blue eyes strained seriously as if trying to pry everything out of him, but he never tried to push himself out of Ennis's grasp. "I'm listenin'."

"I just…I just can't give myself away t'you. Not just yet. Y'know, y'got your own life in Texas and you'll probably find yourself a gal of your own there, doing rodeo and all, and I told you that I'm gettin' married in November…"

Jack continued to look at him, his face completely devoid of any emotion. "So you're sayin' that you're pushin' me away now?"

"If that's goin' to keep us together, then yes, I am pushin' you away."

A look of slight bewilderment crossed Jack's face. "I…I'm not gettin' it," he declared, puzzled.

Ennis sighed, then made Jack's eyes look straight into his brown ones, pulling the man's face close to his. "Listen to me, Jack—with all the responsibilities we left behind, it ain't gonna be that way."

Jack only nodded, listening intently.

"And I know, for one thing, that summer is gonna end soon, and you've been bitchin' bout Aguirre botherin' us and all…but before all this is over, all's I gotta say is…I _do_ want t'do this."

Jack's blue eyes widened, his confusion more obvious now. "Ennis…"

"I _do_ want t'see you again. No matter how many years it would take, I can wait. And in the end, I want it all t'be with no doubt."

Ennis leaned his head on Jack's forehead. "Lemme prove it t'you, Jack Twist. Prove it t'me too, that you can wait. Cause I can, with or without you next t'me."

The last phrase got the better of Jack. He looked away from Ennis, looked back up, then looked back down again.

"I don't know what t'say, Ennis," he replied, unable to react.

Ennis snickered, savoring the state of mind his baffled partner is in. "Y'don't have to. I already know the answer."

In that very instant, Jack's whole demeanor change, his face brightening up. "Thank you very much, Ennis. Really. Y'don't know how much it means t'me, you saying all them things…"

Ennis was unable to answer, as Jack's hand clung to his arm again, but this time, leaning his head against his, closing his wide eyes in silent bliss. Ennis swayed him back and forth, as if cradling a baby, feeling the jolt growing stronger as he took in the unique masculine scent that was Jack—a mix between whiskey, cigarettes, cold mountain air and fresh pine. The bond between them may be forbidden, but unmistakably true. Nothing would ever ruin this moment.

It was so hard to believe how Ennis had come to care about the man—this beautiful man that he is now holding on for dear life. But the sadness still welled up inside him, his fear keeping him from saying what's really inside his heart.

_You mean a lot t'me, Jack Twist, _Ennis said silently, meaning it all with his aching heart. _Too fuckin' much. If you only knew…_

He promised that someday, Jack will know. He will do everything in his power to keep him, and he dreamed of living his life with him with no more fears, and no more doubts, forever.

_Someday, Jack Twist. Just wait. Someday…_

……

Both men stood there holding each other, lost in their own thoughts, until the sun finally had the chance to show its bright face above the mountains, giving luminescence in everything it shone on. The environment around them began to show signs of life, and the dew-tainted leaves looked like little white pearls all over the ground. The sky brightened up eventually, from inky blue to a bright shade of morning blue.

"Finally, it rose up," Jack said cheerily, his eyes wide as a kid's while looking up at the sky. "Beautiful, ain't it, Ennis?"

"Yeah," Ennis answered, looking straight at Jack while he said it. "Sure as hell is."

They were silent for a few minutes, staring at the skies above them. Jack turned his head a little to face Ennis, but still held on to the man's grasp from behind.

"Hey Ennis?"

Ennis was snapped out of hypnosis, hearing Jack's voice. "What?"

"I was thinkin' about what y'said earlier, how t'make this work and all…"

"You finally learned somethin' bout it?"

"Yes." Then Jack grinned mischievously. "And somethin' else."

Ennis felt a little invitation coming on. "What is _somethin' _else?"

Jack shrugged innocently, intentionally trying to get on his partner's nerves. "The way you talk like that…it's kinda turnin' me on."

Another pause.

Jack challenged Ennis's silence, a familiar glint in his eyes. "Brokeback Mountain, where the blue birds sing and there's a whiskey spring. It finally got y'good, don't it?"

Ennis shook his shoulders, impressed at Jack's observations. "I guess it did."

"Obviously. Because that gun of yours's been pokin' my backside for the last ten minutes."

The light haired man was so surprised, he wasn't able to keep Jack from loosening his grasp, making him let go and letting him laugh in his face like a total lunatic. Ennis waited, brown eyes strained, crossing his arms until Jack's laughs turned into hiccups.

"Yes, I'm obviously in some kind of discomfort," Ennis muttered under his breath.

Then like a blast of wind, he grabbed hold of Jack's hand and pulled him with such force that their faces were almost near to kissing, silencing the dark haired man out of laughing on his own joke. "How's about you mind relievin' this discomfort, Jack Fuckin' Twist?" he demanded, his gruff voice almost a rumble. "Y'can't let the sheep see me like this, aren't you?"

"No," Jack answered noncommittally, letting himself be pulled by Ennis back to the tent. "Guess not."

They decided, for now, that they'll talk about the Aguirre situation later.

……

_**Special thanks for the classic U2 song for the inspiration of this fic. **_

_**Reviews of any kind are gladly appreciated. Please and thank you:p**_


End file.
